Saturday, September 22, 2007
Saturday, September 15, 2007
a bird
James and I saw this large black seagull type of bird at the beach that we decided to try to catch. We approached it from two opposite sides but as we walked up to it it was just standing there and didn't try to move at all. As we were just thinking what's wrong with this bird, we noticed that it was standing right in front of and facing a pile of mangled feather and bones that was appearantly another bird of the same type. We walked around the bird, but it didn't seem to care that it was two feet away from two large humans, it just stood there. I went up to it and tried to see if I could touch it, it slowly walked away a little bit and then stopped again. I have never seen anything so depressed, nothing seemed to be physically wrong with it it didn't look wounded or anything, but it just didn't have any motivation to move. we followed it a bit more and eventually I reached out my hand to touch it. when it saw me extend out my hand it just collapsed into the sand and sat there. we pet it for a bit. then we went back to look at the dead bird. it seemed to have been dead for a while, it looked pretty dried up and parts of the legs only had bone. I don't know how long that live one had been standing here by this dead one. but it's pretty amazing. maybe that's why it's so weak cuz it's just been standing there instead of looking for things to eat. or James said maybe it's cuz it has bird flu or something and we're going to die cuz we touched it. we buried the dead bird with sand. maybe if the live one doesn't see it anymore it'll move on. we could've buried the live one too, it was just sitting there, but we decided that probably wasn't very nice
we tried to climb across a short cliff on the way back to the other side of the beach, that wasn't a very good idea. James tried it a bit and said he couldn't do it. I was a bit more stubborn so I climbed out further. the rock surface was mostly flat and corroded and there weren't too many things to hold onto. I tried to find some small protrusions to put my hands and feet and inched my way out. shortly after I climbed out, I was flat on the wall and looking for the next thing to move to, a chunk of the protrusion my left foot was anchored on broke off. My foot sliped a bit, I put it back on, but considering the protrusion was pretty small to start with, there was not much ledge left and my left foot anchor was now on shaky ground (literally), and none of my other holds were big enough to stabilize me if something else goes. I also realized these corroded protrusions aren't really solid at all and can break off anytime if I put too much weight on them. That was when I immediately decided to climb back to safety. but I couldn't see what was around my back foot at all because I was facing the other way and I had to push my body flat against the wall to keep from falling off.
I took my right foot off to search backwards by feel for another hold. but that was kindda scary cuz my left foot anchor was already pretty sketchy and I didn't want my right foot to be off hangingin in mid air searching around. I tried to get James to look for me and tell me where I could put my right foot, we tried that for a little bit but then I decided I didn't have time to be doing that I needed a faster way to get off this wall asap before another one of my holds breaks off and I'm screwed. I asked James to reach out to me, I was able to grab his hand but I looked at his position and wasn't sure if he had enough leverage and I wasn't going to risk pulling him off if my right foot slips off during the pivot.
Eventually, I found a way to turn my body around to face the other way with reasonable confidence that I wouldn't fall off during the manuever. Once I was able to see where I was going, I was able to climb back to safety. so eventually nobody fell off and it was kindda fun.
on the walk back to where the rest of the group was, we saw someone tied a huge piece of seaweed to his small dog (the seaweed was too big for the little dog to drag). that was pretty hilarious.
we tried to climb across a short cliff on the way back to the other side of the beach, that wasn't a very good idea. James tried it a bit and said he couldn't do it. I was a bit more stubborn so I climbed out further. the rock surface was mostly flat and corroded and there weren't too many things to hold onto. I tried to find some small protrusions to put my hands and feet and inched my way out. shortly after I climbed out, I was flat on the wall and looking for the next thing to move to, a chunk of the protrusion my left foot was anchored on broke off. My foot sliped a bit, I put it back on, but considering the protrusion was pretty small to start with, there was not much ledge left and my left foot anchor was now on shaky ground (literally), and none of my other holds were big enough to stabilize me if something else goes. I also realized these corroded protrusions aren't really solid at all and can break off anytime if I put too much weight on them. That was when I immediately decided to climb back to safety. but I couldn't see what was around my back foot at all because I was facing the other way and I had to push my body flat against the wall to keep from falling off.
I took my right foot off to search backwards by feel for another hold. but that was kindda scary cuz my left foot anchor was already pretty sketchy and I didn't want my right foot to be off hangingin in mid air searching around. I tried to get James to look for me and tell me where I could put my right foot, we tried that for a little bit but then I decided I didn't have time to be doing that I needed a faster way to get off this wall asap before another one of my holds breaks off and I'm screwed. I asked James to reach out to me, I was able to grab his hand but I looked at his position and wasn't sure if he had enough leverage and I wasn't going to risk pulling him off if my right foot slips off during the pivot.
Eventually, I found a way to turn my body around to face the other way with reasonable confidence that I wouldn't fall off during the manuever. Once I was able to see where I was going, I was able to climb back to safety. so eventually nobody fell off and it was kindda fun.
on the walk back to where the rest of the group was, we saw someone tied a huge piece of seaweed to his small dog (the seaweed was too big for the little dog to drag). that was pretty hilarious.
Monday, September 3, 2007
colourfully grey
I like danger. I like heights, poisonous things, or anything that makes me feel slightly unsafe like exploring the woods alone in the middle of the night. I'm slowly figuring out why that is. It isn't the adrenaline, nor even the curiosity of being atypical, but it's a sense that reminds me I could die. such wakes up a survival instinct that captures me so that for a few moments I can forget to be needing a reason to be alive in the first place.
I was walking through the ruins of a burnt forest. I sang a song to Him, but it felt sarcastic. I don't question His presence anymore, but the question is now, what difference does it make anyway? I have no legitimate prayers left. I can ask for wisdom, I can ask for discipline, for His presence, I can ask for all the right things. But ultimately, I am not entitled to ask for anything. I'm tired of continuing to ask, it's growing to feel like I'm praying a pagan prayer. I still don't get it at all, why I have to be here on this Earth. I guess He is here with me, He is everywhere, I am still just as lost either way, so just what difference does it make?
do I sound a little angry? no. I thought I wanted to be, but I don't feel it. I don't know when the last time was I felt anything at all. everything is dead. I gave up not because I wanted to, but I did because I am realistic. the only indication I receive that confirms I am still a sentient being is guilt. sometimes it feels like every moment of every day I'm feeling guilty about some sense of insincerity towards God, towards my actions, towards my brothers and sisters, from conflicting thoughts and feelings. and in some messed up way I want this guilt to stay, like maybe this is what keeps me in line, and without it I'm afraid of falling away. so all I can do is continue to write, I continue to write as if it makes any difference. yet the drier I feel the more I want to do. Only if I could've made a difference, for God, for some children of His, for one, for any, maybe then all of this had a reason after all. it's a desperate attempt to justify existence. I'm sick of waking up everyday just trying to find enough things to occupy myself so that maybe the day can be over before I have to notice it.
I was utterly speechless when I read the article on "Come be my light" about Mother Teresa. She could've written everything I just did, her words identified with me at such reticent level as if we're all one silently in the void we experience. Astonishment aside, I'm not sure whether I am encouraged or, scared by this. 50 years, so sometimes God never answers in this lifetime. And if God won't even respond to Mother Teresa, I'm just going to laugh, who am I to be asking. all I can say is, I may not be looking forward to the next 50 years, if He doesn't take me away anytime soon.
The encouragement though, is that God can still use you to change the world despite everything else you feel. It's a reassuring confirmation of a distinction between calling and feeling. I don't know how this conclusion really helps, practically. but it'll have to do, I've got no more rope
He said, drink of this water and you'll never thirst, and eat of this bread to never hunger. It had to be some sort of a promise
I was walking through the ruins of a burnt forest. I sang a song to Him, but it felt sarcastic. I don't question His presence anymore, but the question is now, what difference does it make anyway? I have no legitimate prayers left. I can ask for wisdom, I can ask for discipline, for His presence, I can ask for all the right things. But ultimately, I am not entitled to ask for anything. I'm tired of continuing to ask, it's growing to feel like I'm praying a pagan prayer. I still don't get it at all, why I have to be here on this Earth. I guess He is here with me, He is everywhere, I am still just as lost either way, so just what difference does it make?
do I sound a little angry? no. I thought I wanted to be, but I don't feel it. I don't know when the last time was I felt anything at all. everything is dead. I gave up not because I wanted to, but I did because I am realistic. the only indication I receive that confirms I am still a sentient being is guilt. sometimes it feels like every moment of every day I'm feeling guilty about some sense of insincerity towards God, towards my actions, towards my brothers and sisters, from conflicting thoughts and feelings. and in some messed up way I want this guilt to stay, like maybe this is what keeps me in line, and without it I'm afraid of falling away. so all I can do is continue to write, I continue to write as if it makes any difference. yet the drier I feel the more I want to do. Only if I could've made a difference, for God, for some children of His, for one, for any, maybe then all of this had a reason after all. it's a desperate attempt to justify existence. I'm sick of waking up everyday just trying to find enough things to occupy myself so that maybe the day can be over before I have to notice it.
I was utterly speechless when I read the article on "Come be my light" about Mother Teresa. She could've written everything I just did, her words identified with me at such reticent level as if we're all one silently in the void we experience. Astonishment aside, I'm not sure whether I am encouraged or, scared by this. 50 years, so sometimes God never answers in this lifetime. And if God won't even respond to Mother Teresa, I'm just going to laugh, who am I to be asking. all I can say is, I may not be looking forward to the next 50 years, if He doesn't take me away anytime soon.
The encouragement though, is that God can still use you to change the world despite everything else you feel. It's a reassuring confirmation of a distinction between calling and feeling. I don't know how this conclusion really helps, practically. but it'll have to do, I've got no more rope
He said, drink of this water and you'll never thirst, and eat of this bread to never hunger. It had to be some sort of a promise
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