bye bye.

found out some interesting news today, long story short, DARPA basically has just pulled the plug on our project, somewhat unexpectedly. and basically everyone on the project is suddenly laid off and are all now running around trying to figure out what to do. My PhD career is over, at least on this, no more funding, no more research. Though the news didn't really bother me much, somehow I even felt a little bit of relief for some reason, like the uncertainty it brings was actually kind of exciting, and now I'm completely free to choose any path and opportunities present to devote my life to my calling, whatever that may be. I was never so sure about where this project could lead me in the first place, and now an easy decision has been made for me. I feel free, and it's a good feeling, even though a little unsettling

I was on my way to ME284, and there was this girl sitting on the stairs outside crying pretty hard. I thought about stopping but then I was already late for class and I wanted to return the midterms to the students before Charley begins lecture, so I decided I didn't want to stop. As I walked past her and away, I hesitated and second thought it, and was like, "man...", it felt like I really should check on her, because I'm the kind of person who would, who else will? sigh, I guess being a couple more minutes late was probably worth it. I walked back and sat down beside her and asked if she was okay. she was a little surprised. she told me that it was something school related and so it really shouldn't be that serious. I thought the coinsidence was funny. I told her just like 5 minutes ago I just found out I lost my job. she laughed and said omg I should be the one crying. it seemed that gave her some perspective. I was reminded again how random things are just not random. I don't think I've ever run across a crying stranger in my life, and how this just happened at a seemingly precise timing...

Talked to a few more people about near-future plans. It seems like the whole Bioe department is in a state of emergency because of this, even though it was only our lab's project. It was moving to see how much willingness there are of people trying to help us sort things out and arrange support.

Personally, I'm on TAship until Spring quarter so I'm fine for the next couple months. As for what happens after, I'll be figuring that out in the meantime. I'm comfortable here at Stanford, and many things are coming together after three years I've invested, I don't feel like I want to throw it all away and leave it all again now.. I've done that too much in the past. but at the same time I'm looking forward to where He will lead me in life and what He leads me to do. Change is thrilling. and I feel like this is an opportunity He's giving me to re-evaluate the direction of my life and my career and really make a right choice under His guidance. I've never been mature enough to make a major decision listening to Him, and now I finally have a chance, I'm really looking forward to it

steam tunneling

Sneaking a line of 18 people down into the tunnels? pretty sweet... I'd say

a bird

James and I saw this large black seagull type of bird at the beach that we decided to try to catch. We approached it from two opposite sides but as we walked up to it it was just standing there and didn't try to move at all. As we were just thinking what's wrong with this bird, we noticed that it was standing right in front of and facing a pile of mangled feather and bones that was appearantly another bird of the same type. We walked around the bird, but it didn't seem to care that it was two feet away from two large humans, it just stood there. I went up to it and tried to see if I could touch it, it slowly walked away a little bit and then stopped again. I have never seen anything so depressed, nothing seemed to be physically wrong with it it didn't look wounded or anything, but it just didn't have any motivation to move. we followed it a bit more and eventually I reached out my hand to touch it. when it saw me extend out my hand it just collapsed into the sand and sat there. we pet it for a bit. then we went back to look at the dead bird. it seemed to have been dead for a while, it looked pretty dried up and parts of the legs only had bone. I don't know how long that live one had been standing here by this dead one. but it's pretty amazing. maybe that's why it's so weak cuz it's just been standing there instead of looking for things to eat. or James said maybe it's cuz it has bird flu or something and we're going to die cuz we touched it. we buried the dead bird with sand. maybe if the live one doesn't see it anymore it'll move on. we could've buried the live one too, it was just sitting there, but we decided that probably wasn't very nice

we tried to climb across a short cliff on the way back to the other side of the beach, that wasn't a very good idea. James tried it a bit and said he couldn't do it. I was a bit more stubborn so I climbed out further. the rock surface was mostly flat and corroded and there weren't too many things to hold onto. I tried to find some small protrusions to put my hands and feet and inched my way out. shortly after I climbed out, I was flat on the wall and looking for the next thing to move to, a chunk of the protrusion my left foot was anchored on broke off. My foot sliped a bit, I put it back on, but considering the protrusion was pretty small to start with, there was not much ledge left and my left foot anchor was now on shaky ground (literally), and none of my other holds were big enough to stabilize me if something else goes. I also realized these corroded protrusions aren't really solid at all and can break off anytime if I put too much weight on them. That was when I immediately decided to climb back to safety. but I couldn't see what was around my back foot at all because I was facing the other way and I had to push my body flat against the wall to keep from falling off.

I took my right foot off to search backwards by feel for another hold. but that was kindda scary cuz my left foot anchor was already pretty sketchy and I didn't want my right foot to be off hangingin in mid air searching around. I tried to get James to look for me and tell me where I could put my right foot, we tried that for a little bit but then I decided I didn't have time to be doing that I needed a faster way to get off this wall asap before another one of my holds breaks off and I'm screwed. I asked James to reach out to me, I was able to grab his hand but I looked at his position and wasn't sure if he had enough leverage and I wasn't going to risk pulling him off if my right foot slips off during the pivot.

Eventually, I found a way to turn my body around to face the other way with reasonable confidence that I wouldn't fall off during the manuever. Once I was able to see where I was going, I was able to climb back to safety. so eventually nobody fell off and it was kindda fun.

on the walk back to where the rest of the group was, we saw someone tied a huge piece of seaweed to his small dog (the seaweed was too big for the little dog to drag). that was pretty hilarious.

colourfully grey

I like danger. I like heights, poisonous things, or anything that makes me feel slightly unsafe like exploring the woods alone in the middle of the night. I'm slowly figuring out why that is. It isn't the adrenaline, nor even the curiosity of being atypical, but it's a sense that reminds me I could die. such wakes up a survival instinct that captures me so that for a few moments I can forget to be needing a reason to be alive in the first place.

I was walking through the ruins of a burnt forest. I sang a song to Him, but it felt sarcastic. I don't question His presence anymore, but the question is now, what difference does it make anyway? I have no legitimate prayers left. I can ask for wisdom, I can ask for discipline, for His presence, I can ask for all the right things. But ultimately, I am not entitled to ask for anything. I'm tired of continuing to ask, it's growing to feel like I'm praying a pagan prayer. I still don't get it at all, why I have to be here on this Earth. I guess He is here with me, He is everywhere, I am still just as lost either way, so just what difference does it make?

do I sound a little angry? no. I thought I wanted to be, but I don't feel it. I don't know when the last time was I felt anything at all. everything is dead. I gave up not because I wanted to, but I did because I am realistic. the only indication I receive that confirms I am still a sentient being is guilt. sometimes it feels like every moment of every day I'm feeling guilty about some sense of insincerity towards God, towards my actions, towards my brothers and sisters, from conflicting thoughts and feelings. and in some messed up way I want this guilt to stay, like maybe this is what keeps me in line, and without it I'm afraid of falling away. so all I can do is continue to write, I continue to write as if it makes any difference. yet the drier I feel the more I want to do. Only if I could've made a difference, for God, for some children of His, for one, for any, maybe then all of this had a reason after all. it's a desperate attempt to justify existence. I'm sick of waking up everyday just trying to find enough things to occupy myself so that maybe the day can be over before I have to notice it.

I was utterly speechless when I read the article on "Come be my light" about Mother Teresa. She could've written everything I just did, her words identified with me at such reticent level as if we're all one silently in the void we experience. Astonishment aside, I'm not sure whether I am encouraged or, scared by this. 50 years, so sometimes God never answers in this lifetime. And if God won't even respond to Mother Teresa, I'm just going to laugh, who am I to be asking. all I can say is, I may not be looking forward to the next 50 years, if He doesn't take me away anytime soon.

The encouragement though, is that God can still use you to change the world despite everything else you feel. It's a reassuring confirmation of a distinction between calling and feeling. I don't know how this conclusion really helps, practically. but it'll have to do, I've got no more rope

He said, drink of this water and you'll never thirst, and eat of this bread to never hunger. It had to be some sort of a promise

the experiment

I felt like writing after the XA meeting. and recently getting into this whole blog business with posting the journal from my mission trip and what not, I thought, why not, keeping with the spirit of the discussion last night, maybe these thoughts belong somewhere besides my private journal. you guys did spent a lot of time with that community decision experiment on me, it's only fair that I share what I learned through it as the subject of the experiment. The discussion was a bit unnerving at times. It was quite interesting how even though I was the one who wanted to judge those ideas in the first place, it still felt like somehow I had to be identified fully with them simply because I brought them up for consideration, and when people brought up the same doubts I myself have about them, the judgement somehow still felt personal. not sure why that is, but it was a very interesting observation. I think part of me fears that if after further investigation it became clear that none of these ideas turn out to be what I'm called to do, then I'm right back to square one and that is a very unsettling place to be. This is something I hate to admit because for some reason I don't feel like it is a legit driving force behind my actions, even if I may be equiped to do these works and they may all lead to positive things for His kingdom, ultimately it still seems selfish that I'm doing them in an attempt to fill an emptiness in my own soul. I don't know, sometimes I wonder maybe if such longings for a purpose can be just how God drives us to serve, but then again I also have no confidence that it isn't simply my own justification in order to find peace with my plans and hopes.

and this is why, I think, the judgements on these plans in consideration still felt personal. they're pungent reminders of my own doubts about the legitimacy and integrity of my motive, all of them came rushing up to me as I listened to all the concerns that have already been through my thought process at one point or another now coming from a different mouth, like I'm suddenly transpearant, and being judged on things I'm not even sure of and would not have known which side to defend if I had to.

Have to go for now, I may write more on a few other related thoughts later, but thanks for your fellowship last night and the thoughts you've inspired

in Him,

Ethan