I felt like writing after the XA meeting. and recently getting into this whole blog business with posting the journal from my mission trip and what not, I thought, why not, keeping with the spirit of the discussion last night, maybe these thoughts belong somewhere besides my private journal. you guys did spent a lot of time with that community decision experiment on me, it's only fair that I share what I learned through it as the subject of the experiment. The discussion was a bit unnerving at times. It was quite interesting how even though I was the one who wanted to judge those ideas in the first place, it still felt like somehow I had to be identified fully with them simply because I brought them up for consideration, and when people brought up the same doubts I myself have about them, the judgement somehow still felt personal. not sure why that is, but it was a very interesting observation. I think part of me fears that if after further investigation it became clear that none of these ideas turn out to be what I'm called to do, then I'm right back to square one and that is a very unsettling place to be. This is something I hate to admit because for some reason I don't feel like it is a legit driving force behind my actions, even if I may be equiped to do these works and they may all lead to positive things for His kingdom, ultimately it still seems selfish that I'm doing them in an attempt to fill an emptiness in my own soul. I don't know, sometimes I wonder maybe if such longings for a purpose can be just how God drives us to serve, but then again I also have no confidence that it isn't simply my own justification in order to find peace with my plans and hopes.
and this is why, I think, the judgements on these plans in consideration still felt personal. they're pungent reminders of my own doubts about the legitimacy and integrity of my motive, all of them came rushing up to me as I listened to all the concerns that have already been through my thought process at one point or another now coming from a different mouth, like I'm suddenly transpearant, and being judged on things I'm not even sure of and would not have known which side to defend if I had to.
Have to go for now, I may write more on a few other related thoughts later, but thanks for your fellowship last night and the thoughts you've inspired
in Him,
Ethan
2 comments:
Thanks for taking the time to share this. It's helpful to hear how the evening went from your perspective.
Glad you shared Ethan, vulnerability is always an experiment and sometimes it's a really hard one. I'd be interested to hear what decisions you ultimately come to and the process you use to get there.
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